Is it my fault that I didn’t defend my wife from my mother?

What happens when your mother-in-law’s helpful visits turn into a series of subtle criticisms? From commenting on a need for a car wash upon arrival to critiquing home organization, her words sting. This story dives into a husband’s dilemma: Should he confront his nit-picking mother to protect his wife, or does keeping the peace mean staying silent?

Here’s what he had to say:

“My (32M) mother lives out of state and comes twice a year to visit my wife (31F) and I, as well as my sister who lives nearby too. She usually spends like 4-5 nights here. While she’s here, she tends to make some off the cuff judgmental comments. My mom has always been a little nit-picky about things and I’ve handled it by ignoring her – it’s a few comments per trip and otherwise she’s ok and helpful to us. For example, I picked her up at the train station and she immediately said “oops, looks like someone needs a car wash.”

My wife feels that more comments are directed at her because she is the woman, especially about home decor and cleaning, despite my wife also working full time. For example, we have a junk drawer that has admittedly got overfull lately. My mom said “it’s too bad I’m not here longer, I would help you organize that. I noticed it hasn’t been done.” Or she will come in our house and immediately start cleaning something and say she saw it was horribly dirty. Or last visit, my wife’s suitcase was still out from a trip the month before, and she said “hm I see someone doesn’t like to unpack right away.”

My wife takes these things really personally and is hurt. I usually try to support her behind the scenes, tell her my mother is kind of an old crone (true) and that we all just ignore her and she should too, but she recently got upset with me for not saying anything back in the moment. I do want to stick up for her but my mind is kind of slow and my mother always slips these comments in when I’m not paying attention. I can’t respond well within a few seconds when I was expecting it. My wife is upset with me and says my mother can’t come anymore unless I’m planning to stick up for her. AITA for not saying something to my mother?

Edited to add: my wife has asked me not to confront my mother outside of these comments as she feels she’ll receive blowback for it, and it’ll look like it came from her. She wants me to respond when my mother says something in the moment. I guess I am slow because I have trouble doing that. Also, my family is very passive aggressive and we almost never confront things head on – I’ve tried to change that and it ends with them just refusing to speak to me for a few months.”

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