A 45-year-old lady wrote a letter that was an intensely emotional and loud cry for assistance. She is in a desperate situation because she truly believes that her elderly mother, who has turned her life into a never-ending nightmare, has nothing to do with her. However, some people—including the woman’s relatives—judge her and insist that she look after her mother, who is currently in more need of assistance than anyone else. The woman told us about her nearly tragic life with her mother and asked for our advice.
We received a letter from a woman who sounded desperate and broken.
In a letter to us, a 45-year-old woman named Gloria posed a question that might be bothering the thoughts of many others who are facing a similar circumstance.
Gloria started her letter by stating that she and her mother have never had a good relationship. “I can’t boast with any of a kind, but all of my friends have nothing but the best childhood memories,” the woman remarked. Since I was a young child, my mother, a single mother, has never said anything nice to me. Given that my dad died when I was four years old and my younger brother Sam was two, I can only imagine that mom’s life was difficult due to her early widowhood.
Gloria claims that her mother has never treated her or her brother fairly. The difference in attitude toward the children was pronounced. “I was treated like garbage since early childhood, and my mother hardly noticed me,” the woman wrote, “but my brother Sam had always been a favorite.” I saw his mother giving him hugs and kisses, referring to him lovingly, and complimenting him on all of his accomplishments.
That was not at all the case with me. I experienced gaslighting, ghosting, and constant undermining of my accomplishments. Mom used to say that even though I was the oldest child and Sam was free to express his feelings, I had to maintain my composure and never cry, even though kids my age typically cry and have meltdowns, etc.
The mother-daughter relationship hasn’t gotten any better with age.
Gloria goes on to confess, saying, “Now that I am a mother, I see how unjust my mother has always been to me when I think back to my own childhood.” Even as I’ve grown older, nothing has changed. I really did love her unconditionally, and I would stop at nothing to win her affection. But our relationship was turbulent at best. Even though my mother constantly attempted to portray our family as loving and supportive of one another, we were all extremely toxic and dysfunctional at all times.
The woman said that even as she grew older, her mother’s actions continued to cause her pain. Gloria declared, “My mother’s poor choices, her actions, and her mental health problems have defined and impacted my entire life.” Whether it was about the university I picked to attend or a boyfriend I was seeing, she was always criticizing me for the decisions I was making in my life.
I was having a lot of trouble; I kept attempting to contact her, even going so far as to ask her to therapy, but to no avail. I gave up trying to revive this relationship in my late 20s. She still preferred my brother Sam, so one day I simply left without saying anything.
Gloria said that while separating from her toxic mother was heartbreaking, it also made her feel liberated. “I’ve been living a really fulfilling, healthy, positive life since then,” the woman stated. I created it all by myself, and I feel as though I’m getting over the poisonous upbringing I had as a child.
Gloria’s mother is in need of assistance right now, but the woman won’t even go see her.
Gloria continues her story by saying, “I have a 5-year-old daughter and I’m 45 now.” When I became pregnant, my mother criticized me even more for choosing to become a mother at forty. After her granddaughter was born, I banned her from ever meeting her because this was the final straw. Sam is childless and lives alone, so my daughter is the only grandchild my mother has.
Gloria is content, but she is troubled by her mother’s old age and helplessness. “I live a few thousand miles away from my mother and Sam,” the woman wrote. I work a full-time job and own a home. With the exception of my mom, who is currently 73 years old, who is rapidly losing her mental and physical faculties, I believe that my life is fantastic.
Her living conditions seem terrible to me. She tends to hoard things, and Sam doesn’t help her with it. Despite living in the same small town as his mother, the favorite child hardly ever calls her. Mom’s bad habits are negatively affecting her health in numerous ways, and her house is extremely dirty. She recently fell down the stairs in her house, and when she called me, all I said was that she should either call an ambulance or ask Sam for help. In any case, I’m too far away from her to be of physical assistance.
Although the woman doesn’t feel guilty, those around her do and accuse her of everything.
Gloria disclosed, “Mum wants to see her granddaughter, so she’s asking me to move home right now.” However, I have stated unequivocally that I will not do that. I am very conflicted right now. Sam and the rest of the family are criticizing me for not feeling like I owe my mother anything, and I don’t think I should be so recalcitrant.
However, I also feel a great deal of guilt for not taking care of my aging mother these days. I feel conflicted because I know she needs me and Sam has to take care of her right now, even though he never does.
“I promised myself and my daughter that she would never grow up in a toxic family and in such chaos like I did,” the woman said in closing. I’ll try my hardest to keep her safe from that. Nor do I want her to see her grandmother in this way.
However, I also feel as though I’m condemning my child to a different kind of harm. It seems like I’m teaching her to avoid family when they’re in need. I’m keeping her from talking to a very toxic grandmother who still loves her. I feel horrible about everything, and I don’t want that for her either.
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